“You are all welcome to stay”

Mara himself rode a massive bull elephant that held writhing souls between its jaws. At first he remained aloof, waiting for his army to annihilate Gautama by sucking it into a maelstrom of torment. But when he saw the calmness of Guatama’s gaze, Mara became agitated.

“Resist me all you like. I will never depart from you, and neither will my subjects. This spectacle is what you will see for the rest of your life.”

“I am not resisting. You are all welcome to stay,” said Gautama. “You cannot attack what isn’t here, and I am not here.” (Chopra, 2007, p. 226)

For anyone who might be a regular visitor to this site, you will have noticed a change or two. First of all, this site is no longer apandanhandad, but rather “Total Detachment: the one great healer of karma”. Inspired, as I have been for a long time, by the story of Buddha … it was time for a change in my life–for a serious meditation on attachment. In the past several months, I have become aware of many attachments I was holding that were the source of much suffering. As well-intentioned as my academic life was for bringing about positive social change, I found that I was trapped by delusional thoughts and becoming more and more self-absorbed. The irony is that my postmodern/poststructural theory is underpinned by a deconstruction project of the “self”. The “ivory tower” was becoming, for me, more of a cage than a privileged space. There was a carrot dangling at the end of a stick called a P, and an H, and a D, that I was supposed to secure for myself with the hopes or assumptions that it would result in a “better life”.

However, this thinking goes against my own better judgment. To long for anything, even a better life, implies that it is something that I do not possess. At this realization, it became clear to me that my dharma would be much better served outside of the academy, where I can be free of the attachments that my continued existence there would require. I know, you are probably citing my own favorite saying back to me right now: “when your mind stays the same, your environment doesn’t matter”. But, again inspired by the story of Buddha … it was not until leaving the confines of his palace that Prince Siddhartha awoke to suffering in the world. 

In short, I like to think of the university, in a metaphoric sense, as my Mara. It tempted me with many desireable things. But, with a clear mind, I saw the demon at its most grotesque … and it no longer held anything I wished for. And in close, with peace in my heart, I say to the academy, “If you can find my soul, it’s yours. I have stopped caring, myself.”

On that note, welcome to my new site. I’m glad you stopped by. And remember, you are all welcome to stay!

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